Jesus Christ: high school valedictorian that said Lord’s Prayer a ‘hypocrite’


In a rare interview, Lord and Savior Jesus Christ came down from Heaven to speak with ANR about the valedictorian from South Carolina’s Liberty High School who tore up his pre-approved speech to instead recite the Lord’s Prayer at his school’s graduation ceremony.

ANR: So Jesus… do you mind if I call you ‘Jesus’?

JC: Actually, my name is Yeshua.

ANR: Okay. Yeshua, how do you feel about Roy Costner, the valedictorian of Liberty High School’s graduating class of 2013, who took the time to write out a speech, get it approved by the school, and then tore it up on stage and decided to instead recite the Lord’s Prayer by complete memory?

JC: Well, Daniel, first let me go into some background on this. This all goes back to February of this year. The Freedom From Religion Foundation – great organization by the way – sent a letter to the Pickens County School District, asking that they stop having prayers before their school board meetings. As you can imagine, this didn’t really go over that well with the locals. Eventually, the school board voted to have a non-sectarian prayer at their meetings, because that apparently solves everything when you’re violating the Constitution.

ANR: Yes, and Pickens County is where Liberty High School is located. Do you think the student, Roy Costner, did this in protest of the FFRF’s efforts to keep church and state separate in their county?

JC: Most likely. Christians these days have such a persecution complex. One would think they were being crucified or something. When some secular organization or an individual atheist speaks out and tells them, “Hey. Stop that,” the entire town freaks the f*ck out and goes into uber-persecution mode. It’s really not surprising that Costner did this.

ANR: You’ve got some strong words about your followers, especially this young man. Nonetheless, do you think that what he did was Constitutional?

JC: It was probably Constitutional, but let’s let the pundits and courts decide that. It was certainly insensitive to those in the audience who are not my followers, and it did nothing but alienate them, but what he did was, I think, perfectly legal.

ANR: You’ve also said in the past that people who pray in public want to be seen by others, that they want to exhibit their piety, is that right?

JC: That’s right. There’s an excerpt in my book that I wrote a while back about this very topic. People who prayer in public want to be seen by others, because they want to be seen as pious and righteous. They want to be seen by those around them as righteous people. Really, they’re all just hypocrites.

ANR: So you think that Roy Costner is a hypocrite for what he did?

JC: Absolutely. If he had actually read my book, as I know many of my followers have not or they just pick out the parts they like, he would have known that right before I create the Lord’s Prayer, I talk about how praying in public is outright hypocritical. What Costner did was not righteous. It was not standing up to “persecution.” It’s hypocritical.

You can read our full interview here.

(This piece is satire)